This was written during my last deployment. Even know it stirs up sone pretty serious feelings I am not sure I personified here.
Ever know that guy who simply will not commit?
I don’t mean to start this as some kind of “Sex and The City” bullshit, but I have known these guys, we all have. They are such pussies. They won’t ever commit to a girl because they are convinced, or scared that a better one is out there and even more deluded they have a chance.
Hell, we have all known those girls, and probably dated one or two. I’m not trying to make this gender centric, but the lovely young ladies who infrequently haunt this place are all attached and the men who they are attached to have the intelligence to recognize their blessings. But I am sure the young girls in their single days dated the asshole who thought he could do better.
I am the opposite. While still recovering from my divorce I met my wife. By no means is she a model, but I find her classically beautiful and damm she is so cool. Any therapist in the world or for that matter anyone who watched Dr. Phil would have told me to move on. But I knew she was the one and I would never get another chance. I won’t insult you and say it has all been wine roses ever since, but I am committed and I am not looking for a better deal. I don’t think there is one.
It’s the same with pets. How about the folks who ditch a dog or a cat at the first sign of inconvenience? “Well our new place doesn’t allow pets.” Or “We don’t want to move with them.” What the hell? Don’t move to a place that doesn’t allow pets. Moving? I have traversed continents with dogs and cats. If you aren’t in for the long haul, don’t get the pet. If you find circumstances that you really can’t overcome, find a loving home for the pet yourself (that’s how I ended up with the world’s most precocious Dachshund from this very board).
I commit. When I commit, I commit fearlessly. If I never had to move, I would own 35 unfinished vehicle projects. I may adjust course once I have decided on action, but once I am there I am there. If I get the inside of you going in a turn, do not attempt to slam that door one me, because I am there and I ain’t moving. If we are involved together on a project, I will come across as a bully and a tyrant because once a decision is made, fucking press. No more committees, no more consideration.
More throttle will either solve the problem or end the suspense.
Then why am I such a pussy about my career? I started this Air Force gig 22 years ago as a temporary bit, but again commitment.
Every day I feel myself growing to resent this job and this way of life. Two days ago my boss and I had a great conversation about the job we are doing here. He related it to a failure of imagination because we are not recognizing the potential of the capabilities we have and our current relationships. We are poised to do something amazing here. He is an enthusiastic and very intelligent person. His position was well founded and impassioned.
The pain came when I realize I just didn’t care. I don’t. Stealing from a writing friend, The Lumineer’s say ““It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all; the opposite of love is indifference.”
That’s not hate. “I Hate You and Wish You Were Dead.” That still has a plan, a desire, a wish that is still real estate in your heart and soul. Hate is passion.
No indifference is a dog tied to a stake at the far corner of a backyard, a well-worn half circle spanning the length of the rope on its calloused neck. Occasionally it will get food and water but no one stops to pat its head, scratch its back or even acknowledge the living breathing creature that can feel love and abandonment.
And yet I cannot break away. I cannot click the button that says “retire.” There is a promotion board next year and I might get it. At the end of the month the next rotation of assignments will be handed out and I might get the one I want.
Something better might come along and I am just clinging onto this pathetic existence rather than commit to a decision.
Rather than take open spot the inside of the turn.
Rather than add the throttle to solve the problem or removing the suspense.
When did I get so weak? So scared? Not 4 years ago I took my Suzuki GSXR 1000 to its computer limited top speed of 175. It was stupid, but it didn’t scare me. A bad outcome of that would have far more reaching consequences than retiring and not getting a corporate job.
When I first got here I was worried I would come to hate the Air Force, and apparently I have stumbled onto something far worse.
So yesterday I clicked the button.
I have to be evaluated to ensure I am retirement eligible (I am). That of course is handled by a civilian office at Randolph Air Force Base just outside of San Antonio.
That was October 1st. Guess what just happened? (It was another Government shutdown)
It would appear my indifference has been met by indifference. Ain’t that a bitch?